The Sudden Rush of Connection

The sudden rush of connection happens.

Body’s prepared for any attack, but is there a threat?
Am I really safe?

After all, reading comments here that were not about me was setting in, but “denial” of this connection fully is.

Without realizing, having lived in constant judging and “look good” felt easy, however when you add in “keeping up with the Jones” or comparing to another, the old pattern of needing to put a mask comes full throttle.

My body’s natural reaction to hide and withdraw like a turtle or bear in hibernation becomes a reality. It’s only then, my shyness becomes a protective mechanism.

Judging is one thing, but what if comments were reflective of ones self, and not me?

What if the comments I’m seeing weren’t criticizing but rather positive instead?

This concept feels foreign to me since for so long, needing to be a part of a collective or part of the action was my way of feeling connected—however, the connection often felt hollow to the point it screwed me over once upon a time.

Without having to show people what I’m about or show that I’m confident in something, I’m learning to work with whatever is present and presented in me.

How am I navigating around me? What five things can I name in my space to bring me back into the moment when this current protective mechanism called “shyness” come forth.

I’ve learned to push through my emotions and sensations to the point where I’m overriding them, then ultimately I feel tired and out of it since the keeping up happened.

It was then in this moment that when I am:

➡️ Pausing
➡️ Orienting—bringing myself back to the present moment

I can then gather myself to feel this a moment at a time.

Just little sips is all I needed to do when I was feeling this familiar yet unfamiliar sensation in me.

Takeaway: The Sudden Rush of Connection

We tend to judge it for letting it happen. I often think that perhaps maybe that inner child in us is wanting our attention. In this case of being shy to connect with myself that it was okay to let her feel a moment at a time.

The unfamiliar pattern I once held can now be finally be slowly felt, processed, and integrated at its own pace. No rushing this at all. Denial can be here, so can feeling shy and the connection as well.

Past Essays

What Happens When You Accommodate Others Anxiety: A Confession

What happens when you accommodate others anxiety instead of trusting your body? I got stitches. Here's what I'm learning about help that hurts.

Suppressing Emotions Feels like Agonizing Empty Calories

Suppressing emotions is harder work than feeling them. Learning what actually nourishes your system vs what just takes up space.

The Cost of Avoiding Fear

Observing fear and how fear manifests itself and spreads like wildfire is scary. Let's take this slowly starting with the root.

Why I’m Documenting This

It’s very important that I document this process, mainly so I can show you how openly—with an asterisk—I’m showing you more of the behind-the-scenes here on Uncovering Layers. I’m using calligraphy as a way to document my recovery journey, and it took me a minute to say all of that.

Given where I am at the moment, I think the best thing I get to do for myself is keep listening to myself. I keep showing up and listening to what I get to do today.

In reality, we have 24 hours and 7 days a week. Each day I describe like this: I go to bed, I wake up, the sun rises, the sun sets, and the whole thing repeats itself again. What do I do with today?

For me to illustrate that, I want to be able to do so by introducing these short essays here on Uncovering Layers. They range from 200 to maybe 1,000 words, depending on what kind of day I’m having.