The Work I Hated
I’m going to say this: I hated my work. I hated my work no matter if it was me designing websites, me doing calligraphy, me even writing a post. I didn’t find any connection to the piece and work that I did for myself and even for clients.
One may say, “Well Jen, why are you thinking this? This is your work. This is the work that you like. You’ve told me that you like this work.” And yes, I did tell you that I liked the work. I liked and loved website designing and writing calligraphy.
The Pattern I’m Touching
On my 28th day of documenting this recovery journey, I have told you that I like this process. But that old patterning that I’m now touching within myself – feeling the loneliness and the abandonment part of me – I’m starting to get a sense of how whenever I show my work to the world, I’m always anticipating. Up until this whole thing about documenting my recovery, I’ve always been somewhat chasing the views and the likes and the reactions I get from my work.
You wonder why there’s a bit that shows up in me that’s like, “Well, I just feel like crap. I don’t want to do this no more. I don’t find any entertainment or interest in the thing that I do.”
What I’m Finally Feeling
All this time that I’ve been really diving deep into whatever I’ve been showing up these last 28 days, I am just sitting here in awe that I have now finally truly felt what it was like to be lonely and feeling the fear of being alone, being abandoned.
This is not easy stuff that I’m saying. This literally – I feel it took since last October that I’m now starting to touch that piece of me, that sensation of feeling lonely. If this part of me goes away, then what happens?
The Approach That’s Working
I want to be able to approach something holistically and in a way where it’s slow, little sips, titrated so that I am back into regulation and functioning the way that I get to in my own right.
Sitting here thinking about just writing the piece and having all that back – I’ve taken hiatus from website designing due to recovering from vertigo. Although I’m working on another website for myself, client work I’m taking a pause.
What I’m Learning
I think what I’m learning through this experience is not so much the chasing of the reactions or the likes anymore. I think it’s really slowly touching what happens when I start embracing myself.
I think that’s the only thing – this experiment that I’m doing. I’m talking to those that are maybe in the works of wanting to start a thing, but they are working against themselves. They don’t seem like they have permission to give themselves that to start.
By all means, that’s the reason why I’m documenting this process – to show myself really that it is possible. Once you give yourself that permission and you are being aware, you’re noticing what the heck is happening inside of you.
The Vehicle vs. The Work
I’m using calligraphy as a vehicle. The vehicle itself, the weapon of choice, is all just a byproduct. I’m recovering and I have been asking myself days: do I want to do this?
That’s the reason why I kept buying pens and markers – these are my tools. Do I want to use them today or not? Do I want to draw or not today? By not forcing myself, this allows me a lot of space and room for myself as I am creating.
It’s also teaching me as a wax on, wax off approach that I get to start to open myself and expand myself.
The Niche Revelation
Going back to the whole niche talk – I honestly do not think that people are looking, searching me up for a calligrapher with mental health recovery. They’re actually just looking up my work, which is the thing I’m getting over.
My story is the only thing that I’ve found. If they want a deep dive into what the heck I’m doing, then they’re going to find out why I’m doing this.
It’s such a weird conundrum where a lot of these folks out there feel that you find your why and then your how and then your what. Well, I think we’re starting to go back to: what the heck is she doing? And then we’re getting to maybe the how. Eventually it’s going to jump to the why. Why are they doing this? Why do they exist in the inner webs?
Building Capacity for the Intense
The last three days have been really intense for me because it was about me going through the motions of loneliness, like old patterns of loneliness. “If I keep this thing then I sure won’t be lonely, right?” That kind of emotion. Me feeling into the fear and me feeling into the tears that come along with it.
Because I’ve built enough capacity to be with the scary thing in me, I was able to go through this. Sure enough, because I’ve gone through this, I haven’t felt that loneliness since. It’s weird. It’s really weird, but it makes sense.
Integration vs. Bypass
The moment I start to process, it’s not even a release of anything. It’s an integration, a complete integration or a complete circle.
I remember feeling what one may call safety within myself to feel it, but my mind was like, “No, we’re not feeling this at all.” I much rather bypass, which I did yesterday. I have to admit: I was working on my website. I did not want to feel whatever scary thing was showing up in or around my sternum.
Did not want to feel any of that. That’s okay.
Yet the consequence when I start bypassing is it’s going to start suppressing itself or it’s going to start to create different stories. What happens during that time is I have the agency to ignore it or not ignore it.
Sure enough, I felt into it more and more. Usually for integration for me is the whole crying process and kind of merging that into my being. I feel a lot more lighter when that happens.
The Shift in Purpose
It’s so interesting that because I now get to share this with you or any other person listening to this, it’s not so much I’m chasing likes and all that. There is going to be that part of me, no doubt about it. But it’s really learning about the experience of: okay, why is this sensation showing up or why is this thought showing up in me?
I find it a bit fascinating that I get to be curious with this. That is cool. That is fine with me as long as I go slow and as long as I don’t rush this. I take my time and that’s cool.
Day 28 Reflection
I can’t believe there’s two more days to this and I can’t believe I’m finding a medium for this because I’m really enjoying the process of just recording an audio. It’s so low maintenance. I’m really enjoying the process of just being with myself like this.
Who knows what the last two days will bring. I’m just really satisfied of what’s been happening and that I gave myself so much patience. I felt a ton of grace, a ton of me going slow and being gentle with myself. I gave myself that, which is freaking awesome.
I’m looking forward to the last two days.