The Cost of Avoiding Fear

This is the cost of avoiding fear.

Observing fear and how fear manifests itself and spreads like wildfire is scary.

How one “I’ll put this off later…”

Or “I won’t promote my shit or else people will leave me…”

…Can lead to this irony fest of not the fear itself, but the effect of it.

I’ve seen first hand what it does to the people around me when I neglect to observe fear for itself and instead run away from it.

The rawness of the guilt and shame that carries right after makes you feel you wished you had taken care of the task at hand.

You wished you had courage at the time to take action instead of putting people through the effects of your fear.

So now I’m sitting with frustration I let “this” happen.

I’m frustrated since for far too long, I slowly self-sabotage myself by creating a struggle to feel something in me. Fear is part of it.

“I’m ‘here’ now, rev myself up, and wOrK hArD!” (I almost threw up in my mouth saying that.)

That would be the old conversation I would have with myself.

“Working hard” was another way to bypass what was actually happening inside of me.

In the past, this was all an unhealthy way to draw my Fire out. I realize why now.

It’s why I say this inner work, the more deep and compassion you give to yourself, the more layers it reveals itself to you—it can be a bitch slap when it does.

So yes, fear can be a bitch slap when you don’t see it for what it is.

This is a great reminder to give yourself ton of grace now and taking time to be with what transpired and sensations that bring up in this experience, not purposely revisiting the time it took place.

Past Essays

The Sudden Rush of Connection

The sudden rush of connection happens. Body's prepared for any attack, but is there a threat? Am I really safe?

What Happens When You Accommodate Others Anxiety: A Confession

What happens when you accommodate others anxiety instead of trusting your body? I got stitches. Here's what I'm learning about help that hurts.

Suppressing Emotions Feels like Agonizing Empty Calories

Suppressing emotions is harder work than feeling them. Learning what actually nourishes your system vs what just takes up space.

Why I’m Documenting This

It’s very important that I document this process, mainly so I can show you how openly—with an asterisk—I’m showing you more of the behind-the-scenes here on Uncovering Layers. I’m using calligraphy as a way to document my recovery journey, and it took me a minute to say all of that.

Given where I am at the moment, I think the best thing I get to do for myself is keep listening to myself. I keep showing up and listening to what I get to do today.

In reality, we have 24 hours and 7 days a week. Each day I describe like this: I go to bed, I wake up, the sun rises, the sun sets, and the whole thing repeats itself again. What do I do with today?

For me to illustrate that, I want to be able to do so by introducing these short essays here on Uncovering Layers. They range from 200 to maybe 1,000 words, depending on what kind of day I’m having.